My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Come back with a warrant
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd