My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Have a lovely day 😊
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[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
🛁
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.