if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Rambo Rambow
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.