Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Does it…does it take 3 days
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.