Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy