My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.