ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.