@WheelTod

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

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@Giddythefuckup

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

@brycetache

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

@InternetHippo

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@zachary_lampley

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

@jonnysun

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@BraandoCommando

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?