My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things