white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
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I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”