me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
when someone compliments me
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.