This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
synchronized noseblowing
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
The USS B port
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
<- sleeps well with others
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.