Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The hardest thing Vision has to do