Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I love the National Park Service.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.