@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

@MakesTweetsUp

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

@WritingWilkie

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

@UncleDuke1969

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

@iNusku

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

@Book_Krazy

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

@AmericanGent69

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.