I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Great acting.. 😂
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
doing your own taxes
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.