I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”


I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.


The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.


He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.


I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.


Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?


The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.


wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep


{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.


Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.