Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Okay me first
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”