Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive![]()
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There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water