Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.