wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie