I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
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*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
In Canada they just call them geese
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!