ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
The pen is writier than the sword.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
2023 was just a warmup
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open