2023 was just a warmup
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“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
The government even made aliens boring
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My safe word is Worcestershire
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake