Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
S/o to @funTweeters .
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?