guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
You Might Also Like
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Wait a minute
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car