As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.