Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?