hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
happy friday
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues