Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I’m not average. I’m mean.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]