I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me: