I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram