While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
You Might Also Like
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
#TopTip
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.