My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!