*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
accurate
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota