I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
You Might Also Like
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.