People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’m giving up ice.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.