People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
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Sell your car
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Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?