[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.