@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

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@sips_whiskey

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

@mommeh_dearest

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

@iamspacegirl

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

@abbycohenwl

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

@rn_murse

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

@TheHyyyype

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@BCMontgo

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?