I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.


“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side


In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.


Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so


I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it


annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.


me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?