I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Don’t take drugs… for granted.