what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
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Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
meow
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…