person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?