JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
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My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
she has a point
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.