Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The real reason evolution started..😂
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
sigh
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku