My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest