1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Not today, today.
Not today.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom