Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
see you in hell you stupid fruit
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”