Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Anyone want a chair?
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.