I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
You are not alone 💚
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.