millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.