The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Bit chilly again tonight.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING