Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You Might Also Like
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Overindulged this afternoon.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.