Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior