Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.