[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Finally, a door that understands me
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.